If the Titanic sank today...

The Titanic hit an iceberg on this day in 1912. Let's do a thought experiment.

To mark the anniversary of the Titanic sinking on this day in 1912, I decided to imagine what would happen if the Titanic sunk today. Here's what I came up with:

Within hours there would be conspiracy theorists who argue that the Titanic never sank after all, and it was all just a hoax to make us afraid of icebergs. The survivors are paid crisis actors!

Some idiot ship captains would go full speed ahead at night with no lights to prove they aren't afraid of icebergs.

A lot of dads living in landlocked areas would start wearing lifejackets everywhere they go "just in case."

Somehow the stock market value of the Cunard Line (Titanic's parent company) would go up... because that's how irrationally the stock market is behaving these days.

One of the Titanic's survivors writes a book called 7 Secrets to Avoid Drowning in The Atlantic Ocean. It instantly becomes a best-seller, even though most Americans don't ever embark on a transatlantic voyage.

Netflix would option the book and create a TV show about the Titanic... But somehow also cancel it before it even gets to the big dramatic sinking episode.

Republicans would argue that a proposed law requiring ships have enough lifeboats is an attack on the individual freedoms of cruise line corporations. Definitely not what The Founders intended!

Some guy on Twitter would write a 71-tweet thread that starts off with "We need to talk about the danger of ice. Here's what people don't understand..." Later, an even longer thread from someone else reveals that the original guy works for a snow and ice removal company.

Instagram influencers would post pictures of themselves wearing swimsuits in bathtubs filled with ice. You know, to spread awareness!

Facebook would prompt all its users living on the entire Eastern Seaboard to mark themselves "Safe from the mid-Atlantic sinking incident."

Some people would say that the Titanic was probably asking for it. What flag was it flying?

The US Agricultural Marketing Resource Center would try to rebrand iceberg lettuce as "American vitamin lettuce." People on Twitter cannot stop making fun of this side story, to the point where they ignore the actual tragedy.

Right wing talk radio listeners would buy t-shirts that say "You can take my iceberg lettuce from my cold dead hands." They post photos of themselves eating giant bowls full of the least nutritious lettuce. Still, it is the most nutritious meal they have eaten in years.

Some people would argue that the Titanic's 693 crew fatalities shouldn’t be included within the official death count because "they knew what they were signing up for" working on a boat without enough lifeboats.

Defense contractors like Lockheed Martin would invent a new type of ship-mounted missile system to blow icebergs out of the water. The US Navy would buy them – even for its ships stationed in the Caribbean.

ExxonMobil would helpfully point out that if only we had *more global warming* we could melt all the icebergs and never have this problem again.

Fox News would declare the Titanic's emergency procedures successful because 74% of women on board were saved. They would never mention the gap between 97% of First Class female passengers surviving, while less than half of Third Class women were saved.

Old people with short memories would insist ships "never sunk like this" back in their day.

And... everyone would forget that it even happened within a week.

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